Alone in a crowd...

I plead temporary insanity. I had forgotten or tried to forget. I was rash and eager to trust, to dream, to imagine. I distorted reality into my own fantasy, and now I am finding myself crashing into it once more. All I feel is the bitterness of truth, the slam of news, the constant shaking of life.

I had left it all behind. Shh....don't tell. I can't tell anyone what I actually thought, and now I am stuck with the consequences of decisions I made from my dream state. How do I change the path, erase the lines, drawback from the plans? I wonder. Soon, my foolery will make itself known. I know it. I will be exposed, and I will have to explain. Nothing terrible, of course, but annoying with a touch of exasperating damage control.

There's more though. I want to go back. I want to live the secret, the fantasy, the play world that I created. And, that is why I don't quite fit in. I wish my dreams were true, and I am disappointed in the harsh boldness of actuality. Lessons are forced down my throat like cherry cough syrup, sticky and encompassing-- leaving the trace and ill taste afterwards to remember the misery better.

Also, backing up to add to my defense, it must be noted that being inundated with a certain and not too stingy amount of certain compliments cannot be expected to be paid without some wavering of feelings, without some return of respects. Manipulative indeed.....I'll live.