Over My Head...

I am being tossed about in the ocean. My mood changes literally every five minutes as I am sucked down to the ocean floor and resurface for brief spurts of air. It is hard to stay depressed when someone meanders in to discuss the football game or to borrow a movie. My happy face returns and for a brief moment, I am fine. I haven't a care in the world other than the present company. I smile, carry on a mindless conversation, and then the door closes again. The knob clicks into place, and the undertoe is too hard to resist. The smile drops. I close down. I literally shut off from the world and return to the waiting thoughts in my mind. It is here that I am in danger. I am alone and drowning, but I want to be. I don't want to be rescued. I don't want to be saved. I just want to give into the waves that keep hitting me until I can find peace in the night. It's depressing, but I know that I'll be fine eventually. Eventually, the thoughts won't arise constantly. Eventually, the happy face will last for longer periods. But right now, I am indulging in the darkness. I am splurging in grief, and I am breathing in the tears. Unhappiness is not long lasting sustenance, but it will do for now. Goodnight.